What I found out today. 0413

Life has never been too easy for me. Yet they say that you only get as much as you can handle. And so far it feels like I can handle quite a bit.. And so far it feels like quite a bit is a constant number. So meanwhile I have learned to take all that much with a grace of a woman, not a grief of a child. Sun is amazing yet it burns if you get too close. And yet vitamin D will never be a proper replacement for sun rays.. So I learned to balance the idea of distance. So I learned the difference between making love and letting love make me, and the shear joy of both.

And here is this. Moment of me in this segment of time. If you don’t become an ocean, you’ll be seasick every day, said Mr. Cohen.. And none of us can be really saved. Despite of my catholic upbringing…. because we all.. all of us, yes.. We are guilty. And these are my vices… impatience, bad temper, wine, occasional cigarette, an almost unquenchable thirst to be kissed, a hunger that isn’t hunger but something like fear, a staunching of dread and a taste for bitter gossip of those who’ve wronged me—for bitterness—and flirting with strangers and saying sweetheart to children whose names I don’t even know and driving too fast and not being Buddhist enough to let insects live in my house or those cute little toy like mice whose soft grey bodies in sticky traps I carry, lifeless, out to the trash and that I sometimes prefer the company of a book to a human being, and humming and living inside my head.

In the end life is super simple. In the end I will always miss knowing what is going to happen. And I will always miss being visible beyond the obvious. And it seems that I only write when I feel like drowning. Spelling is for people who can’t breath under water.

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